My Eating Disorder Isn't All About Food

I have an eating disorder. A lot of people have eating disorders. There are many different types of eating disorders and the people that battle them come in all different shapes, sizes and walks of life. But food is truly a small factor in it all.  Depression, stress, anxiety, control issues, and ultimately guilt is all part of an eating disorder. And you guys it freaking sucks. And that is okay.

Like many young people my teenage years were a tough time to accept myself for who I was. And I wound up not eating. When I realized I was sick I retrained myself to eat. no treatment, no doctors just me making myself eat till it felt somewhat normal. My parents didn't even know that I was starving myself. But I got better until my life got so crazy and stressful in my 20's that I had a relapse I couldn't get myself out of.

My Eating Disorder

For me, food is directly related to stress and trying to gain control of something, anything when life feels overwhelming. My last relapse was in 2014. I was attending beauty school for thirty hours a week on top of working full time and living on my own. I did not "decide" to stop eating because I felt fat, but because I needed control of something in my life. I did feel fat, but that is not why I relapsed. It became increasingly difficult and almost painful to eat. With every bite my body would tense and shake. I lost my appetite and wound up losing about thirty pounds in a month and a half. I wasn't exercising because I knew I didn't have any calories to burn and on a good day of eating I was lucky to get 500 calories in. 

My Treatment

I finally went to the doctor when I fainted at school and didn't feel strong enough to drive (I was commuting half an hour to school). The doctors ran many tests and tried to find a reason for my loss of appetite and sudden weight loss. TMJ(lock jaw)? Thyroid issues?  Birth Control? Nothing. So they sent me to an eating disorder therapist. She was great. I learned that I do not view food as fuel. When overworked, over-stressed and feeling down like I was, food turns into this evil thing that makes me fat, makes me a failure and is the one thing that maybe I could get control of. Slowly I gained strength and weight back. After a six week break from school, going down to part time at work and moving back in with my parents I was mostly recovered. 

I cannot express the amount of guilt and shame I felt during this time. I had harmed myself. I felt crazy. Eating is a basic human function and I couldn't accomplish it. I was broken and a burden on those around me. Needing to be checked in on. Asking people to sit and eat with me, watching me struggle. It was a lot to ask of my loved ones and they came through marvelously. I can never repay the kindness and patience paid to me by my incredible friends and family

Living With an Eating Disorder

A lot of people are surprised to hear about my battle. I don't look like someone who starves herself. I appear to eat food like a "normal" person. But it is an internal battle every single day. Food is fuel. Food is strength. I can control my stress in other ways. I can let go of the things I cannot control. I'm still a little scared of exercise and of feeling that weak again but I'm working on it. And most days I am proud to be a strong, healthy 25 year old woman who wears a size 14, and weighs about 196 lbs. 

Like I said eating disorders come in all different shapes and sizes. And total recovery is never really a thing. It's hard work, bad days, good days, little decisions everyday and amazing friends and family who support and encourage you.

*There are no pictures in this post on purpose. It is not about how you look it is abut how you feel. This is also my story and everyone's story is different that does not mean your story doesn't matter.