Pictures I Absolutely Hate And Getting Over Myself

We all know that moment when someone takes a picture of  us and we immediately ask for it to be deleted because we look ugly, fat, double chin , bloated the list seriously goes on. Lately I've been feeling this way more and more. But when I'm not looking at photos of myself I feel strong, beautiful, confident and healthy. So I decided to just get over myself and put these photos I've been hating into a blog post, to talk about why they make me cringe and what I'm doing about it (including changing my mindset). Please! I am not fishing for complements. Nor am I beating myself up about the way I look in these photos. My intention is to bring awareness to how common these insecurities are. I love my body and am proud of my muscles, but we all feel off sometimes. 

This photo was taken on opening night of a production of Annie in which my dear friend Molly was performing in. I was so proud of all my friends and my brother in the show and we were celebrating. I remember feeling dressed up and pretty for the special performance. So when I saw this photo my heart sank over how my arm looked. When I see myself in this photo I honestly don't recognize this body. I didn't feel like I was in this body that night (I really hope that makes sense). So here is what I'm telling myself. Those arms are strong. Those arms can catch those that you love. Hug those that need it. They can lift things and you can do your job (that you love) with those arms. And most of all there is love and friendship in this photo. And all that is way more important.

 Next photo! This was taken during a ladies night where we drank wine, ate cheese and had many wonderful laughs. It was the end of the night and we finished off the evening with port and chocolate (yummm). Again all my memories of this night are happy. I think of my amazing friends that I'm so thankful for. But I also feel guilty for all that I ate that night. And when I see my stomach in this photo that guilt just deepens. I'm probably the only person that would notice this but it bothers me and stopped me from sharing this photo. However, I refuse to let this guilt ruin these beautiful memories. 

A very recent photo of me and Tyler that makes me so happy but my double chin just makes me cringe. I feel like my face looks fat. Not to mention my stomach. And don't even get me started on how  weird my chest looks. So that's what bothers me about this particular photo. Now, reasons I am choosing to love this photo despite that way I make myself feel about it. There is so much love in this photo. Anyone that knows my boyfriend usually describes him as quiet until we start to laugh and joke around. Laughing with Tyler is one of my favorite pastimes and this photo perfectly captures that. And if that really is the way I look while laughing....then that's the way it is. I'm certainly not gonna stop laughing. 

 This snapshot cracks me up. My little brother and I joke that we are twins born eight years apart. So when we both just happened to be wearing stripes, and tortoise rimmed round lens glasses a picture just had to be taken. My stomach and thighs in this picture absolutely disgusts me. They are bulging, they are massive and I am straight up grossed out about them.
To be okay with this photo I need to remind myself of how far I've come with my eating disorder recovery. I have to tell myself how I am grateful to be healthy enough to even be in this photo. I'm sitting on a stool with no back. There was a time when I wasn't strong enough to do that. And if I'm being really honest there was a time when I couldn't see myself surviving long enough to have the opportunity for this photo to be taken. I've only ever felt that low twice in my life and I promised myself I would work hard to not let myself fall back to that head space. I'm truly grateful for my life and the opportunity to even take photos with those I love. So if I feel a bit fat in them, that's okay because I am grateful to just be in present. Phew, got a bit serious there but that is the journey I've been on and it is my story. Not gonna apologize for it.

If you or anyone you know is feeling desperate and needs it (it's more common then you think) here is the suicide hotline number 1-800-273-8255 asking for help is the moral courageous thing you can do. 

Life and the opportunity to live is a very beautiful thing. Don't waste your time hating yourself when there are so many people that love you just the way you are. Thanks for reading and simply stay pretty.