Accepting My Size and Celebrating My Health
I am 25 years old. I exercise maybe three times a week. I eat salads for lunch most days. And I wear a size 14 most of the time. Sometimes I buy "plus size" clothing. Other times I buy "regular" sized clothes. And its taken me a while but I am totally okay with these facts.
I Weigh A Lot and It Looks Good
I was 11 when I first noticed stretch marks on my hips....I have always been a curvy and strong lady. So losing 30 pounds of muscle during my last Anorexia relapse really broke me in a way. (more on my eating disorder later...Like a whole other blog post). Even when I was at my lowest and weakest mentally I always had my physical strength. I could dance and walk and run away from my depression and bad mental health. Going from that to barely being able to lift a gallon of milk, or stand to do hair at school, or even drive made me feel like the biggest failure (little did I know that overcoming this would be one of my proudest achievements). Helplessness still remains one of my biggest fear, but it doesn't feel as overwhelming as it used to.
Buying Larger Sizes Hurts
I am so very proud of myself for gaining back my weight and developing a healthy relationship with food and exercise. Then, some work I never expected came my way....buying new clothes that fit. Going into stores having no idea what size you are is terrifying. I have been pretty much every size from a 6 to my current 14. I am just gonna say this SIZE IS JUST A NUMBER!!! There are goods days when this feels so true and bad days when I cry and stare at myself in the mirror feeling fat and guilty for liking ice cream. Bad days happen, its okay. But its just a day, so do something healthy for yourself and reset the next day. I just recently bought a pair of "plus size 14" jeans and it was a strange mix of pride, shame and peaceful acceptance that I felt when purchasing them. But they freaking rock! There is plenty of room for my hips, calves, and booty (makes me want to even build my booty a little more).
.
Clothes Suck....Until They Don't
For the last couple of years I could not let go of being a size 12 and a medium. Some of my pants would get tight as I gained weight back and I would just buy the same size because I was a 12. Shirts were too tight because I kept replacing them with the same damn medium. So then I would buy pants from stores where I knew sizes ran large so I could remain a 12. The size large or even extra large shirts weren't as big of a hurdle for some reason. But the damn size 12 pants were just this big giant wall for me. And there I was crying in a Target dressing room trying on size 14 jeans thinking "these wont fit" "there is no way I'm as big as a 14" and the freaking fit. I felt huge. I felt fat. I felt unloved. But I looked good. I could also breathe easy. The jeans weren't digging in. It still felt like defeat and shame buying them, but I did it. And all of a sudden clothes became fun. Getting dressed didn't feel like climbing a mountain.
Celebrating My Health and Beauty
Looking back my clothes were probably still a little too tight but it was a first step in this amazing fashion, self discovery journey I'm on now. I feel such joy with my clothes. There is so much creativity and expression to be had in fashion. Even for a size 14 like me. Discovering high waisted jeans, belted dresses, and half tucked t-shirts has been so much fun this last year. I'm dressing for my body and everyday I get to celebrate my health and happiness which I feel make me freaking gorgeous!
Numbers are a difficult thing to face. Especially when society makes a big deal about "plus size or regular". But with some confidence and self love you can do it. And same goes for you tiny girls out there that have a hard time gaining weight. Wear what fits and have fun. I love you all and you should too.
I Weigh A Lot and It Looks Good
I was 11 when I first noticed stretch marks on my hips....I have always been a curvy and strong lady. So losing 30 pounds of muscle during my last Anorexia relapse really broke me in a way. (more on my eating disorder later...Like a whole other blog post). Even when I was at my lowest and weakest mentally I always had my physical strength. I could dance and walk and run away from my depression and bad mental health. Going from that to barely being able to lift a gallon of milk, or stand to do hair at school, or even drive made me feel like the biggest failure (little did I know that overcoming this would be one of my proudest achievements). Helplessness still remains one of my biggest fear, but it doesn't feel as overwhelming as it used to.
Buying Larger Sizes Hurts
I am so very proud of myself for gaining back my weight and developing a healthy relationship with food and exercise. Then, some work I never expected came my way....buying new clothes that fit. Going into stores having no idea what size you are is terrifying. I have been pretty much every size from a 6 to my current 14. I am just gonna say this SIZE IS JUST A NUMBER!!! There are goods days when this feels so true and bad days when I cry and stare at myself in the mirror feeling fat and guilty for liking ice cream. Bad days happen, its okay. But its just a day, so do something healthy for yourself and reset the next day. I just recently bought a pair of "plus size 14" jeans and it was a strange mix of pride, shame and peaceful acceptance that I felt when purchasing them. But they freaking rock! There is plenty of room for my hips, calves, and booty (makes me want to even build my booty a little more).
.
Clothes Suck....Until They Don't
For the last couple of years I could not let go of being a size 12 and a medium. Some of my pants would get tight as I gained weight back and I would just buy the same size because I was a 12. Shirts were too tight because I kept replacing them with the same damn medium. So then I would buy pants from stores where I knew sizes ran large so I could remain a 12. The size large or even extra large shirts weren't as big of a hurdle for some reason. But the damn size 12 pants were just this big giant wall for me. And there I was crying in a Target dressing room trying on size 14 jeans thinking "these wont fit" "there is no way I'm as big as a 14" and the freaking fit. I felt huge. I felt fat. I felt unloved. But I looked good. I could also breathe easy. The jeans weren't digging in. It still felt like defeat and shame buying them, but I did it. And all of a sudden clothes became fun. Getting dressed didn't feel like climbing a mountain.
Celebrating My Health and Beauty
Looking back my clothes were probably still a little too tight but it was a first step in this amazing fashion, self discovery journey I'm on now. I feel such joy with my clothes. There is so much creativity and expression to be had in fashion. Even for a size 14 like me. Discovering high waisted jeans, belted dresses, and half tucked t-shirts has been so much fun this last year. I'm dressing for my body and everyday I get to celebrate my health and happiness which I feel make me freaking gorgeous!
Numbers are a difficult thing to face. Especially when society makes a big deal about "plus size or regular". But with some confidence and self love you can do it. And same goes for you tiny girls out there that have a hard time gaining weight. Wear what fits and have fun. I love you all and you should too.
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